How to Build Sexual Trust

What does it actually mean to feel sexually comfortable with someone?

You might trust your partner completely in everyday life and still find intimacy difficult sometimes. Sex can make us feel vulnerable in ways that aren't always easy to explain. You may become more aware of your body, worry about how you're coming across, or wonder whether your partner is enjoying themselves.

For women, there's also an additional layer of vulnerability that comes with penetrative sex: You're allowing someone else inside your body and taking on risks that your partner doesn't experience in the same way, which is why being able to trust that they'll respect your boundaries, pay attention, and take your wellbeing seriously matters.

Building that kind of trust takes time. However, once you have it, it can make it easier to say what you want and to wholly embrace the experience with your partner.

In this article, we'll look at how trust develops between partners, how communication can strengthen it, and why feeling secure with someone can make it easier to relax into intimacy.

Contents

• Trust Starts Outside the Bedroom
• Say What You Mean, and Listen
• You Don't Have to Be in Control All the Time
• The Takeaway

Trust Starts Outside the Bedroom

Sexual trust starts long before sex. It's built through the way you treat each other when you're simply going about your day.

When you feel respected and listened to, being vulnerable becomes a little easier. You don't have to wonder whether your partner will laugh at you when you bring something up, or whether they'll take it personally when you say you want something different.

You can also disagree and still have trust. You won't always want the same things, and you won't necessarily respond to intimacy in the same way every time. Knowing that you can talk about those differences without being judged is part of feeling secure with someone.

There is a similar kind of trust in getting to know yourself. Paying attention to what you enjoy, what makes you uncomfortable, and what you need in the moment can tell you a lot about what makes you feel at ease with a partner.

The ability to talk about sex is one of the strongest predictors of people who have great sex! There’s really no way around this. If you can’t communicate your preferences to your partner without feeling embarrassed or ashamed, or if you can’t hear their preferences without getting defensive or taking it personally, it’s impossible to have a fully realized, erotic and authentic sex life. Feeling a bit awkward to start is fine, but you should gain confidence the more you openly communicate, and from there, sex naturally improves.

- Dr. Holly Richmond

Say What You Mean, and Listen

Talking about sex can be surprisingly hard, even with someone you know well.

Sometimes you know that something isn't working for you, but you don't know how to say it. You might worry about hurting your partner's feelings or making things awkward.

It doesn't have to be a big conversation. "I like that" can be enough. So can "a little slower" or "can we stop for a second?" You don't need a perfect explanation for every preference.

Listening is just as important. When your partner tells you something, take it seriously. If they want to stop, change something, or try something else, they should be able to say so without worrying about your reaction.

Remember: people are allowed to change their minds. Something can feel good one time and not the next. You can be curious about something and then decide you don't want to continue. Good communication should leave room for that.

You Don't Have to Be in Control All the Time

Sometimes we're so aware of ourselves during sex that we barely have a chance to enjoy what's happening.

Am I taking too long? Do I look okay? Is my partner enjoying this? Why haven't I orgasmed yet?

Once those thoughts start going around in your head, it can be difficult to focus on anything else. As we explored in our previous article on the brain and orgasm, stress, expectations, and self-consciousness can all influence sexual response.

Trust can make it easier to put some of that self-monitoring aside. If you know your partner isn't judging your body or waiting for you to perform in a certain way, you may have less reason to keep checking yourself.

Rather than pay attention to expectation, pay attention to sensation. There's a difference between noticing what's happening in your body and wondering whether you're having the "right" response.

Orgasm is a good example. The more you focus on whether it's going to happen, the harder it can be to stay with what's happening right now.

That is why sometimes, you need to stop trying to make something happen and simply see where the experience takes you.

An expression that I often communicate to my clients is, “Let’s get out of your head and into your body.” This is essentially a step into mindful sex, which I describe as a practice of awareness without judgement. Can we be with our body without critiquing it? Can we turn sex into a sensation-based—or sensation-al experience—instead of a referendum on our desirability or capability? That mind/body shift is often the difference between good sex and great sex.

- Dr. Holly Richmond

The Takeaway

Sexual trust tends to grow through small moments. You say something, your partner listens. You set a boundary, and it's respected. You admit that you're not in the mood, and you cuddle instead.

Erotic flexibility is the gold-standard in healthy sexuality. When we can be at ease with our sexuality and how it changes for ourselves, with our various partners and over our lovelife, we access more self-compassion which leads to trust, both intrapersonally (within ourselves) and interpersonally (with others).

- Dr. Holly Richmond

Over time, those experiences can make it easier to relax around each other. You don't have to worry quite as much about saying the wrong thing or responding the "wrong" way. And because sex can feel different from one day to the next, being able to talk about those changes without pressure is part of building trust, too.

Through iroha investigates, we're working with healthcare professionals and sexual health experts to make conversations around female pleasure more accessible, evidence-based, and free from stigma.

Curious about your own pleasure? Explore iroha investigates for expert insights, practical advice, and a better understanding of how your mind and body work together.