How Sex Toys Can Help You Learn About Your Body

How well do you actually know your body?

You might have a pretty good idea of what you enjoy during sex. Maybe there's a certain type of touch you particularly like, a position you tend to come back to, or something that reliably gets you there. But knowing that something works for you and knowing why it works aren't necessarily the same thing.

For many people, figuring out what they like is a process. We're not exactly taught how to explore our bodies, and when we do learn about sex, the focus is often on things like contraception, consent, and avoiding sexually transmitted infections. Pleasure doesn't always get the same attention.

Sex toys can offer another way to explore. They're not just about reaching orgasm or bringing something new into partnered sex. They can give you the chance to experiment with different sensations and notice how your body responds.

You might realize that you like more pressure than you expected, prefer things a little slower, or don't enjoy a sensation you thought you would. You may also find that your preferences aren't always the same. What feels good one day might not be what you want the next.

That kind of awareness can be useful beyond solo pleasure. When you have a better idea of what you enjoy, it can be much easier to tell a partner.

In this article, we'll look at how sex toys can help you explore your body, understand your preferences, communicate with a partner, and feel more comfortable making pleasure your own. 

Contents

• Your Body Has a Lot to Tell You
• Using a Sex Toy to Explore What Feels Good
• From Discovering What You Like to Saying What You Like
• Making Pleasure Your Own
• The Takeaway

Your Body Has a Lot to Tell You

Knowing what you like isn't always as straightforward as it sounds.

Sexual sensation can vary enormously from person to person. You might enjoy direct stimulation, while someone else finds it too intense. You might prefer firm pressure one day and something gentler on another. Even when you've found something that usually works for you, it doesn't necessarily feel the same every time.

Our preferences can change with our mood, hormones, stress levels, relationships, surroundings, and simply how we're feeling that day.

That's why getting to know your body's responses can be so useful. Rather than worrying about whether you're responding "the way you're supposed to," it can be more interesting to pay attention to what your body is actually telling you. What makes you want more? What makes you pull away? Is there a particular kind of touch that feels especially good?

You don't need to have all the answers. Getting to know your body takes time, and sometimes a small discovery can tell you more than you expected.

Discovering your sexual template is foundational to experiencing a full expression of pleasure. And it’s completely normal to have no idea where to start. Rather than making the process too heady (this is where “shoulds” or shame can creep in) I encourage my clients to start with their body. One of the best ways to get out of your head and into your body is to tune into the five senses – sight, sound, taste, touch and smell. From here we can slow down enough to notice what feels good – or doesn’t feel good – rather than judging or critiquing it.  

- Dr. Holly Richmond

Using a Sex Toy to Explore What Feels Good

A sex toy can also give you a different way to explore your body's responses. Because you can control the speed, pressure, and intensity yourself, you have more freedom to notice what you enjoy and what you don't.

You might find that you prefer a gentler sensation than you expected, or that a little more intensity makes all the difference. You may discover that your preferences change as you become more aroused, or that something you thought you'd enjoy doesn't really do much for you.

That's all part of getting to know yourself.

And while orgasm can certainly be part of the experience, it doesn't have to be the goal every time. Taking away that expectation can leave more room to simply notice what feels good in the moment.

You might even start to recognize patterns that you hadn't noticed before: the kinds of sensations you naturally respond to, what helps you relax into the experience, or what tends to distract you.

There is no perfect combination of speed, pressure, or stimulation. The point is not to find a formula that works every time, but to become a little more familiar with your own preferences, and to give yourself permission to change your mind, too.

Actually, discovering a formula that works every time is not a preferable outcome when it comes to the healthy expression of pleasure. Evolution doesn’t favor the strongest, it favors the most adaptable. The same is true for cultivating a great sex life with yourself and others. Sticking with one way of doing things becomes rigid, predictable, and unimaginative – the opposite of curious, flexible, and expansive. Eros, the foundation of sex, is about vitality and creativity, and therefore needs openness, both cognitively and somatically, to thrive. 

- Dr. Holly Richmond

From Discovering What You Like to Saying What You Like

Knowing what feels good on your own can make it easier to talk about sex with a partner.

It's one thing to say, "I want more of that." It's another to know exactly what "that" means.

Maybe you've realized that you prefer slower stimulation, more pressure, a particular kind of touch, or simply more time to get in the mood. Having a better sense of your own preferences gives you something to work with when you're communicating with a partner, rather than leaving them to guess.

And it doesn't have to become a big conversation. Sometimes it's as simple as saying, "I like that," "a little slower," or "try it here." Being able to give your partner that kind of feedback can make sex feel more collaborative and enjoyable for both of you.

Sex toys can be part of this, too. Using one with a partner doesn't mean they're doing something wrong or that what they're doing isn't enough. It can simply give you another way to explore what feels good together.

What makes our sexual expression adaptable and expansive is slowing down enough to notice sensation instead of analyzing it. When we become mindful – meaning to notice and sense without judgement – and tune into sensation rather than expectation, we open ourselves to an entire world of erotic possibility. Sex toys offer an ideal environment to experiment with a range of sensations, techniques and intensities.

- Dr. Holly Richmond

For some couples, this can also take away some of the pressure around orgasm. Instead of one person feeling responsible for making the other climax, a toy can become something you experiment with together, without making orgasm the measure of whether you've had "good" sex.

Making Pleasure Your Own

Sex toys may be more mainstream than they once were, but that doesn't mean everyone feels completely comfortable using them. There can still be a lot of uncertainty around what it means to use one, especially if you've never tried it before.

You might wonder whether you should be able to orgasm without one, or worry that a partner could see it as a reflection of their own performance. But a sex toy doesn't say anything about how "good" you are at sex, or how well you and your partner connect. It's simply another way of experiencing pleasure.

And there isn't any particular way you're supposed to use one. You may love it, find that it's not for you, or use it differently depending on the situation. What matters is that you get to decide what feels right for you.

Taking that approach can also make exploration feel much less intimidating. You don't have to know exactly what you're looking for before you start. You can be curious, pay attention to how something feels, and change your mind along the way.

After all, getting to know your body isn't about finding the "right" answer. It's about giving yourself the freedom to find out what you enjoy.

The Takeaway

Sex toys can be a useful way to get more familiar with your body. They can give you the opportunity to explore different sensations, notice your preferences, and better understand how your body responds.

And once you have a better sense of what you enjoy, it can be easier to communicate that with a partner, too.

But the most important part isn't the toy itself, but the curiosity behind it.

Getting to know your body can start with something as simple as paying attention and asking yourself: "Do I actually like this?"

Through iroha investigates, we're working with healthcare professionals and sexual health experts to make conversations around female pleasure more accessible, evidence-based, and free from stigma. 

Explore iroha investigates to learn more about your pleasure!